Dispensary Specials Archives | Page 2 of 2 | The Grand Junction Greenery

The Greenery’s 4th Anniversary

Posted on April 6, 2019 - 9:00 am

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We’ve been selling legal weed for four years! Isn’t that crazy? This is all starting to seem like a regular job, one where our staff feels like a family thanks to all these successful years together, and even though this’ll sound cheesy, it’s all because of you, our customers. Some of you are regulars who’ve been coming in since day one, and some of you are first-timers who remind us how exciting legal cannabis can be with your smiles when you walk in. Either way, we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for our customers, so, we’re going to do something special for you on our anniversary.

Usually, the traditional gifts for a fourth wedding anniversary are linen, silk, fruit, and flowers, and in a way, we’re married to our customers because we couldn’t live without you guys. That being said, we’re not going to give you linen, silk, or fruit because that would be a weird gift from a weed shop, but the “flowers” we sell are a different story completely. So, this April 10^th, for the fourth anniversary of our Durango dispensary, here are the deals we’re giving to our customers to say thank you, and happy anniversary!

1.) All flower will be 20% off (see what I mean about flowers?).

2.) All concentrates will be 15% off (because our anniversary falls on Waxy Wednesday, which is awesome).

3.) All solventless hash from The Greenery Hash Factory will be 20% off.

4.) All Sweet products will be buy one, get one 50% off.

5.) For our anniversary, you’ll be able to buy four, one-gram pre-rolls for $20 (limit: one time per customer). Since it’s our fourth anniversary, “four-for-twenty” sounded perfect.

6.) If you haven’t signed up for our Loyalty Program, you need to, because during our anniversary party, all loyalty customers will receive double points.

7.) We’re also running a spectacular deal on one of our edibles, buy one, get one free on all Ripple products.

See? We love you guys a whole bunch, so we went a bit crazy with our deals. We’re even gunna have our favorite radio station X-Rock here doing a live broadcast from our parking lot, we’ll be giving out swag while it lasts, and I’m sure balloons will be involved somehow. We can’t tell you how much we appreciate your business over the years, so we’re going to do our best to show it, because even though I usually end these blogs with “We’re Your Best Buds,” the truth is that You’re Our Best Buds!

December Dispensary Deals

Posted on December 7, 2018 - 9:00 am

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Quite a few customers who came in on Black Friday were surprised to find that we were offering sales—it’s an odd phenomenon, but for some reason, people think that since we sell marijuana here, we’re different than all the other retail stores in Durango, but we’re not. We accept debit cards, we offer coupons, we offer discounts to veterans: we do all the regular things that regular stores do, even though the product we sell isn’t yet considered “regular.” But I get it: buying legal weed is weird enough as it is, and coupons or discounts make it seem even more surreal.

So, this week, I’ve decided to write a blog centered on all the December discounts you can find in our Durango dispensary. And frankly, it’s something I need to do for myself because we have so many specials this month that it’s difficult to keep track of them all. Seriously. Let’s get started…

For one, all our daily deals are good throughout the month: on Monday, if you buy a gram of flower, your next gram is half-off, and this special can be applied to 28g purchases, which saves you a ton on the best flower in Durango. On Tuesdays, all edibles are 15% off. On Wednesdays, all concentrates are 15% off. On Thursdays, you can take 15% off one item of your choice, including up to an ounce of a single strain of flower. On Fridays, you can pick up a one-gram pre-roll for a buck after spending $50 before tax, and on Saturdays, all our solventless concentrates are 15% off. See what I mean? I haven’t even talked about any December deals, and it still took me a paragraph just to tell you about our daily dispensary deals.

Alright… as to December, we have all sorts of things popping off (the holidays matter to dispensaries just as much as to all the “regular” stores out there). For one, while supplies last, we’re offering a 25% discount on packs of sativa chocolate chip cookies and rosemary cheddar crackers from Love’s Oven, so if edibles are your thing, you should hurry in. We also have a few bottles of CBN capsules from Mary’s Medicinals that are 25% off, so if you’re looking for something that might act as a sleep aid, you should get here quickly as well. And if you’re into vaping, we’re offering a 20% discount on all our 200mg disposable vape pens from Sweet while supplies last.

But here come the big ones: Dab December and Ho Ho Hash!

Dab December: all month long (while supplies last), you can pick up two grams of Sativa House Wax or Shatter or two grams of Wax from West Edison for $50, or five grams of the same concentrates for $100. Those prices are after tax, and if you’re someone who buys dabs, I don’t have to tell you that our Dab December deal is ridiculously awesome.

Ho Ho Hash: throughout December, we’re running a special on select strains of our solventless Moroccan and Lebanese Hash. While supplies last, you can pick up one gram for $15, or five grams for $65, or eight grams (which is your daily limit) for $100. All those prices are after tax, and they’ll save you a ton—any other month, eight grams of Moroccan or Lebanese Hash would cost you $336; you don’t need to be a mathematician to figure out that a $226 discount is a big deal.

There. See why I needed to write it all out? Even now, when people come in and ask, “do you have any deals going on?” I have to stop and think after saying “yes.” If I listed them all out loud, it’d take a while and I’d probably forget a few, so now, you and I both have a blog we can read for a reminder.

That being said, the real reason I wanted to write this was to wish you and yours a happy holiday season. This time of year is always magical, and we need all the well-wishes that can be mustered given all the craziness that’s out there in the world. So, if you need a little something to brighten your days or a gift for the cannabis lover in your life (yes, we sell gift cards, and we’re even offering a $5 bonus on each $50 gift card), come see us and our December deals at 208 Parker Avenue, but make sure to bring your valid I.D. that proves you’re twenty-one or older. We’ve packed December full of all sorts of savings, because We’re Your Best Buds!

Water-Soluble vs. Lipid-Soluble THC

Posted on November 17, 2018 - 9:00 am

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I know this blog has a dry title, but this is important stuff, so hang in there; I promise you’ll learn something new. Let’s get started…

When most edibles are made, they’re infused with a distilled oil because it checks most of the boxes: it doesn’t taste too much like pot, it’s potent, and it’s easy to infuse with foods. But the box it doesn’t check deals with how long it takes for the high to kick in—it can take up to two hours, so an edible high is something for which you need to plan. The reason? Distillates are oils, and oils are lipid-soluble, meaning the THC needs to bind with fats which are then processed in your liver, and that takes time.

And that “time” time has always bothered me, just as it bothered Justin Singer, who is one of the founders of “Ripple,” an infused edibles manufacturer that supplies The Greenery with products. But Singer did something about it when it bothered him (instead of complaining like I do) and he invented a water-soluble form of THC distillate. With this new form of concentrate, the THC doesn’t need to bind with fats and be processed in the liver: it gets into your system via absorption as soon as you eat it, and it does so in three different places: sublingually (under your tongue), intestinally, and hepatically (in your liver). It’s all thanks to osmosis, which is a property of water-soluble compounds that allows them to permeate the semipermeable membranes in your body—the science is fun, but all you really need to know is that edibles made with Ripple can take effect after twenty or thirty minutes, which is awesome.

Secondly, believe it or not, Singer was thinking about his grandmother when he invented Ripple because she wanted the relief that can come from cannabinoids, but she didn’t want the sugar that’s inherent to most of the sweet edibles on the market. And as such, when Singer invented Ripple, he made it sugar-free—not only will Ripple products kick in sooner, they’re compatible with low-glycemic diets. Cool, right? And this is important because people over fifty make up the fastest-growing demographic of cannabis consumers (click HERE for a corroborating article), and sugar content is important to these individuals for obvious reasons. Let’s get into the specific Ripple products you can find in our Durango dispensary:

1.) Ripple Pure 10. This product sells for $29 out-the-door, and each bottle contains 10 packets (10mg THC each, for a total of 100mg THC per bottle) of tasteless, odorless, instantly-dissolvable powder that can be added to any drink or food to turn it into a cannabis-infused edible. You can put it in water or juice (or spaghetti sauce, for that matter), so the versatility of this product is unparalleled.

2.) Ripple Balanced 5. The pricing and usage of this product is similar to the Pure 10, but each packet in this product contains a powder that delivers 5mg THC and 5mg CBD for consumers who are looking for the high of THC and the medicinal properties of CBD all in one place.

3.) Ripple relief 20:1. Again, the price and usage are the same for this product as with the last two, but each of these packets delivers 10mg CBD and 0.5mg THC for consumers who are looking for the benefits of CBD without the high of THC. Seriously, Singer covered all the bases when he rolled out Ripple.

Now, that’s all dandy, but what about those of us who like sweet edibles? Face it: sometimes gummies are fun, and if you don’t want to mess around with powders and liquids, but you still want a fast-acting edible, Ripple has you covered with these three products:

1.) Stillwater Blood Orange Gummies. This product sells for $24 out-the-door, and it contains 20, 5mg THC gummies for a total of 100mg THC per container. Thanks to these delicious gummies, we have a bona fide fast-acting edible on our shelves. And this product is doubly awesome because with most gummies, you get 10mg servings instead of 5mg servings, so you can control your serving size much more accurately with this product.

2.) Stillwater Green Tea Mango Gummies. This product is $24 after tax as well, and you still get 20 gummies per container, but each serving delivers 2.5mg THC and 2.5mg CBD for the balance quite a few people ask for when they come into our dispensary.

3.) Stillwater Honey Lavender Gummies. This product is also $24 OTD and it contains 20 servings as well, but each gummy delivers 5mg CBD and 0.25mg THC for the high-free CBD experience for which medicinal shoppers are looking.

Blunts in Durango

Posted on July 23, 2018 - 6:40 pm

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Blunts were special things when I was younger because they combined two things I wasn’t supposed to have: marijuana and tobacco. My friends and I would buy one of those nasty Swisher Sweets with a honey-dipped tip, break it open to scrape out all the brown stuff, and then we’d fill it with way too much pot. We’d light it and smoke it with exaggerated nonchalance, kind of like we were godfathers in an old-school gangster movie. The smoke was harsh and the high was too intense, but those were ridiculous days.

When I moved to Colorado, long before landing this dream job, I got in one of those nostalgic moods that make old people famous, and I started shopping around for dispensaries that sell blunts. I didn’t find any. As it turns out, it’s illegal to sell both tobacco and cannabis in the same place (even though you can sell alcohol and tobacco in one place, which makes no sense whatsoever). So, I gave up, because I was way too old to buy a Swisher Sweet and act like a godfather.

But then a few weeks ago, someone from District 8 called us to tell us about a promotion he was running to help the foodbank right here in Durango during the 416 Fire; he committed to donating one food item for every pack of blunts that we sold. That was super cool, but wait… how’d he manage to get around that nonsensical “tobacco and cannabis aren’t allowed to be sold in the same place” rule?

Hemp.

District 8 has figured out a way to cure hemp paper until it’s brown and musky, just like a tobacco wrap. They dip their hemp blunts in honey for that sweet tip blunt-lovers remember from the Swisher Sweet days, and District 8 nailed it. Each pack of blunts contains two half-gram hemp cones that’re filled with 100% pesticide-free flower. And District 8 always uses strain-specific bud, not trim. Their blunts are nicotine-free but you still get that tobacco taste, each one is the perfect size for one or two people, so nothing is wasted, and these things smell amazing, like a humidor filled with cannabis.

However, there’s an issue: Durango seems to love these things. As I’m writing this, we only have four packs left, but we’ll hopefully have more for you by the time you read this if everything goes well. So, if you’re a fan of blunts, or if you’ve never tried one and you’d like something a bit more robust than a traditional pre-roll, bring your valid I.D. proving that you’re twenty-one or over to Your Best Buds at 208 Parker Avenue and we’ll hook you up!

June’s Best Bud of the Month

Posted on June 23, 2018 - 9:00 am

Roy Williams
CEO Madrone Farms

About your Best Bud:

Roy doesn’t work for The Greenery, but he’s your Best Bud for June, and here’s why: he cares about Durango.

When the 416 Fire started rolling through our forests, many of our vendors sent us well wishes, which was nice, but their thoughts didn’t do much to help the community. But Roy took things a bit further—instead of positive thoughts, he sent us a half-pound of the best new-school hash on the planet from Madrone Farms. He didn’t charge us for it; he didn’t ask for any credit whatsoever; he asked only that we sell his hash for $15 per-gram and then donate all the proceeds to our community. Isn’t that insanely awesome?!

And no, that price wasn’t a typo even though if you’ve smoked Madrone’s hash before, you probably still don’t believe me. These guys really do make the best wax on earth, and we usually sell it for $45 per-gram after tax because the quality demands such a price tag. But like I said, this coming Monday, were going to offer grams of Cocoa Krisp Wax and Royal Hulk Berry Sugar Wax from Madrone to our community for $15 each (before tax) while supplies last, and per Roy’s request, we’re going to donate every penny we make directly to those affected by the 416 Fire. So today, we thought you should meet the man who made it possible:

Q. When did you start working for Madrone?
Roy. “I’ve been here since day one in Colorado. I took over full operations of running the lab and the grow four months ago.”

Q. What’s your favorite way to enjoy marijuana?
Roy. “Blunts. Blunts all day!”

Q. What’s your favorite outdoor activity?
Roy. “Walking along Boulder Creek.”

Q. Tell us about your pet.
Roy. “It’s a one-hundred-and-ten-pound gentle giant. Daisy, the Dogo Aregentino.”

Q. Which station do you stream while you’re working at Madrone?
Roy. “I kind of let YouTube decide for me.”

Q. What do you like most about working in this industry?
Roy. “The people. The industry as a whole has become a giant family. We all have a common love, cannabis. It’s easy to get along with your coworkers when they love their job as much as you do.”

That Q&A only gives an inkling as to Roy’s awesomeness, so please trust us when we say that he and his company represent the best of the best in this industry. To prove it, we’re going to honor Roy’s request and sell his wax all next week (until it runs out) for the ludicrous price of $15 per gram, and we’re going to donate every penny made to The Community Emergency Relief Fund that’s been set up The Community Foundation to benefit those affected by the 416 Fire (and if you’d like to make a donation, you can read more about the fund HERE).

So, if you’re over twenty-one with a valid I.D., come see your Best Buds at 208 Parker Avenue next week and pick up a gram (or eight) of Madrone’s wax to fight fire with Fire and support your community in a way that matters. Thank you, Roy!

New Pricing at our Durango Dispensary

Posted on June 16, 2018 - 9:00 am

In the beginning, we had no idea what they were going to throw at us when it came to taxes. Frankly, back in ’14, businesses such as ours were willing to accept even the most astronomical rates simply so we could get away with selling legal marijuana; it was a means to an end. And “they” knew we’d put up with anything, so the rates kept climbing and climbing, and our out-the-door prices jumped all over the place like a kangaroo on crack. Because of this, we made the decision early on to not include taxes in our advertised prices because we never knew what was going to happen from month to month.

But a few months ago, when they tried to raise taxes even higher, we threw a fit. Our house counsel lobbied lawmakers and we started a petition and we got together as an industry and marched on city hall with torches and pitchforks. They gave in and agreed to keep our combined tax rate at 20%, which is insane enough as it is.

Think about it: if a customer comes in and spends $500, which happens all the time, they end up paying an additional $100 in tax—when this happens, I like to tell the customer that they single-handedly paid to fix a pothole with the tax that came from their purchase. But that’s just the way it is, and at least things have leveled off. And the good news is that since marijuana sales tax has become static (albeit extortionate), we’ve decided to include tax in our advertised prices, and since we had to change things anyway, we decided to make a few other adjustments, and I wanted to use this week’s blog to tell you about them. So, from now on, we’re going to have four tiers of flower pricing that represent your ‘out the door’ cost:

Craft: This is the crazy-good stuff, the flower you’d think of as true top-shelf marijuana. There will be times when our Craft flower comes from other small-batch growers, but for the most part, we grow all our Craft cannabis. We baby these plants; we play music for them and water them by hand and give them the love and time they need to grow the best buds on earth. From now on, with tax included, our Craft strains will sell for $24 a gram (of course, there are always price breaks for quantity).

Premium: These strains will usually come from featured growers around the state who are renowned for cultivating the most terpene-rich, potent strains in Colorado. You’ll need to check our marijuana menu from time to time to see what’s available, but these strains will sell for $18 per gram.

Choice: I’d hate to call our Choice strains “mid-range” because they’re still better than most of the other stuff in town, and you shouldn’t feel as if any quality is sacrificed per our Choice strains. These buds are still grown by some of the best cultivators in the state, and the potency is still in that Colorado range that put us on the map. Our Choice flower will cost you $12 per gram.

Select: This flower is still quality, but it might come in popcorn form (little buds) or have a lower THC percentage. This is the stuff you’ll want to buy if you decide to roll a comically-large joint or if your house is full of guests with vacuum lungs (you know who I’m talking about). And our decision to offer Durango a Select strain is something new for us, because now, you’ll be able to walk out the door with a $9 gram, which is awesome.

And we didn’t stop there. When we decided to restructure, we went all the way and adjusted our concentrate pricing for all you dabbers out there. From now on, you’ll be able to leave The Greenery with grams of concentrate for these tax-included prices (but of course, all the prices in this blog are subject to change because city hall might forget about the pitchforks):

Select Wax: $30 per gram

Premium Wax: $45 per gram

Shatter: $50 per gram

Live Resin: $60 per gram

Rosin: $60 per gram

HCFSE (Crystalline): $84 per gram

Isn’t that awesome?! All the premium concentrates we sell come from Madrone, which is the best producer of new-school hashes in the state. I’ll write more about them in a separate blog because they deserve it, but for now, please trust me when I say that there simply isn’t a better dab in Durango, and these prices are definitely worth it (if you’ve dabbed Madrone before, this isn’t something I need to tell you).

And that’s that! It’ll take us a week or so to bring in the Select Wax, but all these other changes will go into effect on Tuesday, June 19^th. Our menus will be simpler, our prices will be easier to understand since tax will be included in everything (even for our edibles), but most importantly, you’ll save some money. So, if you’re over twenty-one and you have a valid I.D., come see Your Best Buds at 208 Parker Avenue for the best-priced, highest quality cannabis products in Durango!

Solventless Saturday Deal

Posted on May 12, 2018 - 9:00 am

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I love Taco Tuesday. Actually, in the year 2020, Cinco De Mayo falls on a Taco Tuesday, and my calendar is already marked because that day is gunna be epic. But if I’m being honest, I think I like “Taco Tuesday” for the two “tee” sounds instead of the “taco” or the “Tuesday” part, because I’m not really a fan of either one when they’re apart.

But I digress…

My point here is that most day-specific deals are fun because the alliteration makes them sound so cool: we sell a half-priced gram on “Marvelous Monday” when you buy one at full price; “Waxy Wednesday” gets you fifteen percent off shatter and a few other products; “Thankful Thursday” lets you pick any one item to discount by fifteen percent. See what I mean? They’re catchy and fun and easy to remember, just like the rest of our daily deals that you can read about HERE.

However, the weekends have been neglected by The Greenery, and we apologize. Saturdays and Sundays have always been crazy enough given that our cannabis really is the best in town, so we’ve been afraid to add to the mayhem by throwing a discount into the mix. But you know what? Our Hash Factory makes solventless hashes, Saturday is a perfect day to smoke said hashes, and “Solventless Saturday” sounds super-cool thanks to all the susurrations. I might even like it better than taco Tuesday, but that kind of decision takes time to make.

Anyway, as of today (5/12/18), The Greenery will be selling our house-made solventless concentrates for fifteen percent off, and we’ll do so every Saturday because the weekends deserve discounts too, as does anyone who appreciates the purity of a traditional hash. And just in case you don’t know what qualifies as a true “solventless” hash, here’s the list:

Lebanese Hash. This stuff is usually blonde, but that doesn’t matter because it’s the best. We squeeze freakishly-potent kief in a twelve-ton press until it starts to goo together, and then we cut it up and sell it by the gram. A Lebanese Hash high is my favorite because it feels like that first-time high from way-back-when, and it feels like it every time.
Moroccan Hash. We bake our kief to make this one, but I’m not going to tell you how we do it because that’s super-secret stuff (read all about it HERE). The hand-rolled balls of Moroccan we sell at our Durango dispensary are dark and deep, just like a storied hash should be.
Kief Brick. This is the simplest, unadulterated hash on the market, and the taste is like standing in a wind-swept field of cannabis (I might’ve been stretching a bit on that one, but I promise there’s no purer way to add flavor and potency to a bowl than with a dusting of Kief Brick).
Rosin. We make ours with kief instead of flower, so it’s potent. Yes, the taste is robust and the high is insane, but you can handle it. This is the only dabbable concentrate that’s included in our Saturday special, but that’s because Rosin is the only true solventless hash you can dab.
Bubble Hash. All it takes to make bubble hash correctly is a little ice-water, some of the best cannabis on earth, and a few months of trial and error, so don’t try this at home—our Bubble Hash is agitated and strained and cured, and that’s not the type of thing that should be left to amateurs.

I swear to you that the five hashes we’re discounting this Saturday and every Saturday are some of the best products available anywhere. In fact, the hashes we make are so good that they’re sold in about ten percent of all the dispensaries in Colorado, and it only took us a few months on the wholesale market to get there (seriously, look at our map HERE). Isn’t that awesome? Now you can buy some of the best hash in the world directly from the people who make it, and you can do so right here in this tiny mountain town for a price that’s better than you’ll find anywhere else.

So, come see Your Best Buds at our Durango dispensary on 208 Parker Avenue this Saturday for our solventless special. We’re open from ten to nine-thirty, and our hash will be discounted all day just for you, which is way better than tacos on Tuesday, now that I think about it.

April’s Durango Dispensary Sale Days

Posted on March 24, 2018 - 9:00 am

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Everybody thinks he or she knows the origin story of April Fools’ day. Sometimes, it’s about one group of people making fun of another group, like that story about the sixteenth-century Parisians (who celebrated New Year’s Day on January first) who made fun of the rural townsfolk because they’d always celebrated the New Year on April first. Or it has something to do with Chaucer and that ridiculous poem he wrote centuries ago. Or it comes from a religious text, or some obscure wartime victory in the Netherlands when one side or the other lost a battle on April first. It’s never the same.

Isn’t that strange? All the other holidays in this country come along with a dubious explanation we’ve all agreed upon since childhood, and yet everyone’s explanation for April Fools’ Day is different. But in a poetic little twist, even though all the origin stories seem contradictory, they’re all true. For some reason, people just like to play tricks on other people in the spring, and they do so in every country: all the different origin stories come from different places on the globe, because our species has always been wily in the spring.

Why? My theory is simple: we’re just animals. We’re instinctual. We perk up in the spring just like all the other mammals on this planet, and we do stuff that we couldn’t do thanks to winter. Some species migrate, some grow antlers, and some stretch saranwrap over toilets because messes are funny, I guess.

But April does feel different, when you think about it. It’s a heady month, with all that new heat in the air, and something atavistic wakes up inside each of us and wants to go for a walk, preferably with a joint. And April is going to be one hell of a month for us here at The Greenery, so if you get the urge to go on that walk (or if you don’t have a joint), you should definitely come see us on these dates:

March 31^st: Durango is having its first Cannabis Crawl. For the record, I get that “cannabis” and “crawl” sound cool next to each other, but nobody crawls after getting high like those drunk fools who crawl from pub to pub, so maybe they should’ve gone with “weed walk” or “bud bounce” or “ganja gallop.” Oh well. But we’re a part of the Cannabis Crawl here at The Greenery, and we’ll be selling one gram of Greenery-grown bud for $10 before tax to all you crawlers, but we’re limiting it to one gram per customer, because after hitting so many dispensaries, we don’t want you to go over your legal carry and purchase limit of one ounce.

April 10^th: It’s our Birthday! Seriously, three years ago, The Greenery opened its dispensary doors and started slanging legal weed, and since then, we’ve mastered the game. But if you come by and see us on our birthday, we’ll get you something: 20% off everything in the store, and $4.20 pre-rolled joints before tax (limited to two per customer).

April 20^th: Yes, it’s 4/20 once again (click HERE to learn why that matters), and all day on April 20^th, this Durango dispensary will be selling everything in the store for 20% off, and if you spend more than $50 before tax, we’ll throw in a $1 joint.

Nice, isn’t it? No gimmicky jokes, no April tricks, just a month of specials on the best marijuana in Colorado, because We’re Your Best Buds, and that’s an origin story all of Durango knows.

Weed and Romance

Posted on February 10, 2018 - 9:00 am

I have a Valentine’s Day story for you:

Nigel was a seabird who lived in New Zealand. He was a gannet, one of those streamlined white birds that looks like a seagull on steroids, and he was a hopeless romantic.

A couple decades ago, conservationists peppered a New Zealand beach with concrete decoys that looked just like Nigel, and when he flew by five years ago, he saw one that appeared particularly becoming. He landed, introduced himself to the decoy, built her a nest, and waited patiently for his stone-cold mate to lay an egg. The conservationists were ecstatic because they’d finally found success: gannets were eradicated from that beach years ago, and the concrete decoys were meant to lure in live birds; loudspeakers were even used to play gannet mating calls on loop.

But Nigel was the only bird who landed. No real birds came to live in his nest or give him an egg that might hatch. So, Nigel flew away, and the conservationists went home to wait for another season. And when it came, so did Nigel. He landed once more and made his way through the gamut of stone decoys, looking for his special lady, and when he found her, he reintroduced himself, built her a nest, and waited once more for his statuesque mate to lay an egg. She never did, so Nigel flew away again, gliding over the surf with still wings like seabirds do.

This went on for five years. Nigel would land and look, introduce and build. He’d even preen his girlfriend’s feathers, doing his best to remove the dirt that’d accumulated on his sedentary best friend. You see, gannets mate for life, staying true to just one bird forever because that’s the way it works best for them, so Nigel wooed the same concrete bird for five years fruitlessly, right up until the day he died in that lonely nest, a few weeks ago.

At this point, what I just gave you probably doesn’t feel too much like a Valentine’s Day story, but frankly, it’s genius because it works for all of us. For those of us in committed relationships, Nigel is a mascot, someone we should all try to emulate, no matter how hard it might be to love the bird we chose. And for those of us who are lonely and single on this very pink and cuddly holiday, Nigel is a reminder that it could always be worse, because at least you’re not building nests for a rock. See what I mean? And the best part is that none of this is fictional—if you don’t believe me, you can watch Nigel’s struggle here.

And do you know what else works for all of us? Marijuana. For real. It makes bad dates better and good dates the best. It makes loneliness more bearable and partnership more companionable. And it makes the best Valentine’s Day gift ever, regardless of which side of the spectrum you’re on, because flowers and cordiform boxes got old a while ago. Seriously, how many points would you score with him or her if you showed up with a bouquet of flower, instead of flowers? And if you don’t have a him or a her, wouldn’t a bunch of bud just for yourself make the day a bit better? Probably.

So come in and see us. We still have plenty of reloadable gift cards, which are infinitely more practical than my marijuana bouquet idea, and we still have a little Foria Pleasure left that we’re selling at 20% off while supplies last. And best of all, we’re having a Valentine’s Day special on all our infused chocolates (20% off), so even if you’re a traditionalist who goes the heart-shaped-box-route, at least you’ll be able to fill it with something better than all that hazelnut nonsense that just gets picked through anyway. See what I mean when I say We’re Your Best Buds?!

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